SHIT

took vicodin, now i can;t even breathe. Like my respiratory system is depressed, turning an involuntary action, breathing, into one i actually have to think about. And I forget. And I twitch involuntarily as a reminder. It's bizarre.

My first time on vicodin. I've done oxycontin and percs, both had similar effects. But I just can't handle this right now. I tried to sleep, but I forget to breathe and my body jerks awake. I'm afraid I'm going to fall unconscios so I guess I'm stuck being awake for now. I have to work in the morning too. I have to leave at 8:30 am, omg it's gonna be BAD tomorrow. I need my sleep. I need to sleep like 8 hrs a night or i'm useless. I need the money tho, so I'm gonna have to push thru it. I'm exhausted right now too. I've been up since like 9am yesterday, and it's now almost 3am. I'm afraid the lack of oxygen to my brain is going to cause brain damage. I'm not doing this shit again. I'm off alcohol cuz I'm trying to lose weight and improve my depression.

Ditched Lauren, she blew me off, I got pissed, we're through. It's just the last straw with her.

So now I hang out at home, I dont really have friends, which is fine for a misanthrope like me.

 

Trying to save money and failing miserably. Looking for a second part-time job to make more money, looking 4 an affordable apartment, looking 4 a girlfriend, looking 4 a LIFE. Took some oxycodon earlier. Guess I didnt take enough cuz I dont feel much. Can't afford real drugs, lmao. Trying to quit smoking (cigarettes, that is), and stopped drinking so much because I'm not a good drunk. I get loud&angry, trying to cut that out entirely.Just so long as I stay away from douchebag party animal cokeheads i should be okay. But I am a douchebag party animal cokehead.

 

Watched a video on youtube entitled "Ten things women do that drive men away"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sKlL8zP9-c

Pretty wise, and funny too.

Dating a boy, Rob, 21, 5'11", for about a week now. We'll see how it goes. My dad doesnt like him for obvious reasons. My mom did like him, but caught him in a lie, and i dont know how she feels about him now. I feel like we're moving a little fast. He seems pretty into me, which is good. I'm not sure how interested I am in him. I went to pick him up at the bar the other night, he was wasted and talking to 2 older women. About me. So that was flattering. And I walk in (escorted by the bouncer, cuz I'm underage) and they're like, "so this is the girl you been talking about all night!" I was blushing, Rob was all over me, drunk as fuck. I looked like shit cuz I'd just got off work, hopped in the shower, didnt do my hair or makeup or anything, so I was both flattered and embarrassed to be seen like that.

He came home with me, puked his guts out about half the night and I slept on the couch. How fucking romantic.

He apologized like crazy this morning. I dont really judge him for it. He'll definitely be seeing me making an ass out of myself when I'm drunk in the future. But I almost never puke, so he wont have to deal with that. I just get really horny, and then pass out. Well, sometimes I get violently depressed. But mostly sleepy.

I think he's got a lot of issues that havent yet surfaced, and I'm waiting until they do to move forward with this relationship. We're dating right now, but we can come off hot and heavy in public, and more than one person has asked if I was his gf.

I have a pretty strong sex drive, and I've never been monogamous before. Ive always been slepping with 3 or 4 girls or guys at any given time. Variety is the spice of life as they say. I think I'm gonna get bored sleeping with the same person all the time.

I'm blasting Closing Time and I fucking LOVE LOVE LOVE this song!!!!!
Just in case you wanted to know. I just want to fill my head with sound, and stop thinking. Oh Portishead is on now, Threads.

 

Recording relationship with Rob: (in order of how much they bother me)

Red Flag #1: Moves a lot

Red Flag #2: Requires repeated assurance that I'm interested in him

Red Flag #3: Trying to rush a commitment

Red Flag #4: lack of funds

Red Flag #5: Drinking to the point of heaving

 

Nobody's perfect, I guess.

If he were to make a list like this I think it would go something like this:

 

Red Flag #1: She's a whore. She's got boys callin her up tryin to get some booty

Red Flag #2: She's interested in women.

Red Flag #3: She doesn't look me in the eye, or answer me right away when I try to have a serious discussion with her

Red Flag #4: She's overly preoccupied with money

Red Flag #5: She's never been in a monogamous relationship before, I don't know if she can be monogamous.

 

What can I do to solve these?

I do these to keep him on his toes, obviously. To let him know, I don’t need him. I have other ppl who are interested in me. I’m overly preoccupied with money because Im trying to be responsible with it. OK so

#1/#2 – don’t talk about other boys or girls I like, don’t flirt with other boys or girls

#3 – look him in the eye, speak honestly, but gently

#4 – don’t talk about money so much, don’t balance checkbook infront of him

#5 – don’t cheat on him, duh.

 

heyy bitches. been a while. i back in jersey, got a job at tgi fridays. it's goin really good and i like it a lot.

It's 5am I been drinkin and smokin pot since midnight. can't sleep, which happens sometimes. havent been drinkin that much tho. only my third beer. im tryin everything tonight. i have budweiser, coors light and natty ice. wish i had some friends here. wish there was anything to do besides drink and wait 4 morning.

ok it's 6:30am. im workin on my fifth, another natty ice. i am drunk now. i feel much  better. i wish amanda were here. she's so nice to me.

I am such an idiot. Thought i was going home today, actually my ticket's for tomorrow. I'm telling you, they should put me in the special class.

So I'm hanging around for one more day. Poor Bob stayed up with me half the night thinking I'm going home in the morning and now it turns out i'd just made a mistake.

Feeling better now. Was having an anxiety attack earlier. These are a new development on my way to pure insanity.

So yay i'm going home. And i'm nvr coming back, and i mean that. Not telling steve tho. He'll want to come visit me constantly and he's already too much just talking to on the phone everyday. Took a cab to school today to ship my packages. $60 can you believe that? And it would've been more, but i talked him down from $65, and that doesn't even include tip. I just gave him 60. you know, i would tip if cabs were reasonably priced. I mean, for like a 30 minute drive. It's ridiculous. Anyway got them shipped, so mission accomplished I guess. Should've just called ups to come pick em up here.

finished mowing the lawn today, and raked some leaves. Raking leaves is the worst. It's just the chore that never ends, like dusting a dirt path.

notes about stuff i need to remember. This is for me personally not interesting for readers

They always ask for your fav books, movies, music, but not websites.Of course I have all the classics on here:

www.facebook.com
www.youtube.com
www.google.com
www.43things.com
www.myspace.com

Looking for employment this summer. Just some websites im checking out. http://www.volunteer.org.nz/
-BI Chamber of Commerce- flophouses
http://www.wwoof.org/
http://www.wwoof.fr/

At work right now. Supposed to be editing/revising this paper on safety culture.

I did get my tattoo, thank you! And it is as paoinful as they say. But the pain isn't the worst part. The worst part is the itching! Drove me absolutely nuts for days. It's day 9, and it still itches, but not that much. I was paranoid about it getting infected, because I'm prone to infections. My ears got ifected, my eyebrow got infected. I dont have a very good track record. So I was washing my hands like a fiend and applying lotion every ten minutes. But it's completely peeled now, and everything went fine. Of course, it's still not completely healed. Won't be for another 36 days, but the hard part is over. The tattoo came out perfectly. It's of a lion with flaming hair, and it says "leo" next to it. It came out perfectly, and it fits my body perfectly, just hugs the curve of my hip like it was always meant to be there. I love it.
    They say tattoos are addicting, but I'm not sure I want another one. I don't want to be like, a conglomerate of different types of tattoos. I want them all too match, lmao. So if I were to get another one, I'd go with some red and orange flowers to match the lion, or something like that. But the style would have to match perfectly, and I'm afraid it won't turn out right and I should have quit while I was ahead. Maybe I'm just too anal for this  art form. But honestly, that itching is not something I want to go through again. That was horrible.

I'm in the mood to blog.

Changed my eyebrow ring, finally. I had the same one in for a year and a half, it was a silver ball closure ring with a silver-blue ball on it. Changed it this morning to my silver barbell with the white balls, then just changed it 5 minutes ago again. This one is multi-colored, purple, blue and green but you can only see the balls, which are blue-green. I really like this kind, because the bar is invisible so it looks like you just stuck a ball right on your face and it's staying there magically, lol. It bled though a little bit. I wish it would heal fully like ear piercings, but I suspect that takes a long time, if it ever happens. Eyebrow piercing can close up in 20 minutes, no matter how long you've had them. You have to wear a retainer when you don't have a ring in (like if you're going to work). Isn't that crazy? 20 mins! It's ridiculous, and that's why it was bleeding- it had closed up a little and I had to push it through. I clean it with soap and water when I take a shower, and change it with hydrogen peroxide. That's not really the best way to care for it. You're supposed to use salt water. I think I'm gonna try that. I know some people probably think I'm trying to be trendy or rebellious or something, but I just like the look of eyebrow piercings.

I really like the anti-eyebrow too. that's a horizontal one either on the side of the eye or underneath the eye. I like it completely horizontal, not on an angle.

Here's a secret for you: I'm going to get a tattoo next week! I'm so excited! But it's a secret because I don't want my family to know yet. They are not fans of tattooing. I'm not even allowed to dye my hair brown. But I got my eyebrow after I turned 18, and they got used to it. And they'll get used to the tattoo too. Oh, it's of a lion, with the leo symbol, an upside down U. It's really pretty. The lion has tattoos on its face and legs, and has really pretty eyes. I'm getting it Wednesday. Very expensive.

I have a secret for you: today I am on Lexapro. Don't tell, they'd banish us you know. I stole the pills from my aunt. We both have depression. I wasnt so sure about taking something, but I figure I will try it. How is it any worse that cigarettes, or alcohol, or weed, or motrin, or a McSandwich? Of course I havent been taking any of those things for weeks now, except for the motrin. It's for my back pain. Who knows how it will make me feel? There are a thousand factors that go into your mood. And I'm on period right now, I'm already loopy. My aunt says it makes her tired, but also focused and not so anxious. So far I feel pretty normal, a little energetic for so early in the morning, and sore from dancing. Oh I drank lots of coffee, and when I do I can't sit still. My body trembles with energy, demands movement. I danced last night for 3 hours to Yannick Noah and Melissa Etheridge until my legs felt like lead. Then I sat on the floor and rocked and swayed, hands in the air, head back. I needed to, my body demanded it. I couldnt sing because my heavy breathing made me cough. I love Yannick Noah and dancing with my hair down. I am in Brasil, at Carnival. I practice Portuguese pronunciation in my head, the deep dipthongs, the nasal nouns. My aunt came in, but I didnt stop. I've never danced freestyle in front of anyone before.

I am a bit cold right now. Wearing a miniskirt in February, guess I'm asking for it. It's cuz I havent done my laundry in like a week, and I'm running out of clothes.

I'm really emotional right now. I'm so up and down but i like it. I have energy, which I never have, enough energy to cry. Usually I am so exhausted all I can do is sleep. And when I cant sleep anymore, I just lay there, unblinking, unmoving, until i fall asleep again. I am uncharacteristically happy now. Last night I was not so happy. I watched the sky fade into twilight, wrote a poem in my head. The sky is always cloudless here, and the breezes never too strong. "The sky was a cheap color blue, and when it was dark, a deep purple-black. The tips of the trees soaked in its royal color, saturated. Makes me reconsider the color purple."
It is easy on my tired eyes. My brother Stefan's favorite color is yellow, which is too bright, too loud. It wears me out to even look at it. I like dark colors: green, dark reds and black. Colors that don't make demands, false promises. I'm not used to this energy,  I feel like screaming. I feel like a fist fight. I feel like 6 hr phone conversations, falling in love, like wild sex, exposing my secrets and lies, joining the army. my eyes flicker too fast, I can feel butterfly wings beating in my chest. The vibrancy is back, and it's been so long, I dont know what to do with my quick hands, long fingers punching the keys. My eyes are too bright, too many emotions flooding in, breaking the dam. Warm tears slide, dry, the salt stings my cheeks. I can't stop shaking. I want to dance with you, pretty girls. Spin you. I want to put on all my jewelry, pretend I am Cleopatra, search the world for scrolls for my library, the biggest in the world, and bathe in donkeys milk. My energy, I wait for it to pass.